And Was She Aware She Was The Very Last One

Lizzy with her lil brother Nick waiting for a Mardi Gras Parade about 5 years ago.......
Today I went to visit you. Your brothers and sister and I. We brought you more flowers to place in the holder. I am afraid that there will be no more room for flowers soon, lol So I guess I will calm down a bit with that. It was hard today, visiting you. I think of the good times and just cry, I sit at the grave site and wonder if I will ever be happy again without you. I know I have people around me that love me and your brothers and sister to care for, but it just isn't the same without you here. All I wanted to do the week after you passed was to look at pictures of you and your beautiful face, now I find it hard to even glance at your last school photo that hangs on the wall, much less go through any photos. So I haven't done that. And I feel guilty for not wanting to look at pictures of you. I guess in time I will be able to once again look at your pictures and laugh about some and maybe even tell the stories behind the pictures but for now I can't and I am so very sorry..........I light my candles for you every night and hope to dream about you every night. Your room is closed off to visitors, I mean I will show them your room, but again I get very uncomfortable even going in there. Your smell still lingers or maybe it is just my imagination. Opening your closet and looking at your clothes is so very hard. Looking at your favorite shirts and pants, smelling them, laying in your bed and smelling your pillow. And I wonder if it is normal for me to do those things...........Anyway babe I am not doing good at all. I put on a act and have been able to play it off really good for awhile now but I don't know how much longer I can keep looking at people and acting like nothing happened......Anyway my beautiful blue eyed babe, I am tired as usual. I wish I could sleep all day, put you know that is impossible. I try to keep moving for your brothers, and sis and your dad............And I am slacking big time. I welcome the night when I go go to sleep and not have to think about anything, just try to dream of you........So I am going to sign off for now. I love you to the moon and back. I will see you around the house sweetie!!

There is a hole in my heart and there is nothing that can repair it................